btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
