best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
