happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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