meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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