Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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