He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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