I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
