New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
