Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
