ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
