I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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