my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
