im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
