Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
