You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
