I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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