I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
