no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
