her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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