So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have so many feelings about this burrito
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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