she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
