you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
