I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
