I can text with my tongue
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
