How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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