I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
