My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
