Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
