omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
