don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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