At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
