When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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