I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
