How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
