Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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