Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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