He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
