he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
