so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
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Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
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I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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