I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
