Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
