matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
