Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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