Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
