I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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