I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
