The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
