Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
