It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
