I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
