My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Two words: blizzard sex
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
