my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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