My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
