Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
